31/07/2024

The Rusk-napping of Brendan Carmelle, a Biscuit Noir story – Part One

Late one Friday night, I was in my packet on the top shelf of Biscuit Cupboard, enjoying a little bourbon - the drink, that is. I'm no cannibal. I was mulling over past loves and past mysteries. Ah, those Viennese whirl sisters I used to hang around with. Where are they now? Should I give them a call?

All at once, my thoughts were interrupted as a beautiful custard cream walked into my office. The ornate pattern on her pale biscuit skin instantly mesmerised me.

"Are you Max?" she enquired breathlessly.

"Why, I certainly am. Private detective Max Bourbon at your service."

She was certainly anxious about something. I could smell her egg custard odour from my shadowy corner of the office.

"I need your help, Max! We do! Poor old Brendan has gone missing!"

Ah, Brendan Carmelle, an ancient brandy snap as rich as his own recipe, known for his taste in wafer girls and creamy broads. I wondered what he might have done that led to his own kidnapping, who's dream he might have unthinkingly crumbled.

"Are you Jammie?"

"What are you saying? I've had my good fortune, but now my husband has been kidnapped!"

"I meant is your name Jammie?"

"No, that's my sister. I'm Rocky, Rocky Carmelle."

"Well, Mrs Carmelle. I charge fifty dollars a day plus expenses."

"That's fine," she said too quickly, "But call me Rocky."

"Well, Rocky, you'd better take me to the scene of the crime."

We travelled by taxi, its thick angular form and chipped chocolatey exterior swinging and screeching across the floor to Carmelle Mansion, a sprawling neoclassical biscuit tin high up in Kitchen City, well away from prying journos and the hoi polloi.

Up there in the biscuit tin, the moonlight shone through the domed glass lid, illuminating Rocky. I looked at her. She was afraid, and she was beautiful. I tried and failed to get her rich vanilla scent out of my mind. I couldn't afford to fall in love with a woman like that, so I started looking around for clues. However, instead of an imposing elderly brandy snap in the wheelchair, there was nothing but a few fragments of biscuit. It was a crummy clue, but it was all I had.

I examined the fragments. Interesting. There were pieces of fragile brandy snap and soft shreds of custard cream, but amongst them were specks of something else, something I didn't recognise.

I told Mrs Carmelle I'd be in touch as soon as I had any information. She looked at me imploringly. I realised she'd be alone at Carmelle Mansion for the first time.

"Real soon, Rocky. I'll be in touch real soon. Here's my wrapper if you need to get in touch."

She thanked me and kissed me tenderly on my upper left corner. I left quickly before, well, you know. Every case has its cost. I charge my clients in dollars, and they cost me in my bourbon heart.

There was one place to go at a time like this: the drinks cabinet. Reading my mind, another taxi pulled up next to me, its dark and heavy form growling softly. I jumped on, and we sped away from Carmelle's lonely manor and into the night.

29/07/2024

A Christmas Tree's Lament

Once upon a winter's eve,
They came in mobs, those deadly thieves!
We spread our roots, our breaths drew in,
And then we bellowed, I and kin:
“Leave here, desist, replant your roots!”
They came for us in shiny boots.
They placed their teeth upon a string,
and showed us to that wicked thing.
They wrapped it round, in their endeavour
to cut us from our roots, to sever
each of us from earthy sphere,
And as we crashed, they cried and cheered!

They stacked us up on deerless sleighs,

And formed with us a foul bouquet,

And as they stole us, engine booming,

I found I was no better than a human.

I was from deep black soil dissected.

Now humans' unearthed state reflected

in my own proud trunk made rootless,

subject now to journey fruitless.

As savaged flesh wept and swelt,

Each jolt and thud was sorely felt

Till we from oily trap alighted,

And heaps of dead and dying sighted.


We might have thought our number small

Until we saw that ghastly haul.

It might have been a minor feud,

an act of impulse, a nasty mood,

but in this vale of broken crowns,

on this necropolitic ground,

at this high reach of Death's grey tide,

was an act of genocide.

And even now, and even yet,

exhausted not was Man's dark threat.

They came in ones and fives and threes.

They drifted up upon the breeze.


But how they differed from rancid stink

was in what they carried: those shards of clink,

that lit their eyes and filled their grip,

and brimmed their dreams and curled their lips.

And of this coin, what was the aim?

Of which foul sport were we the game?

What was the scheme behind our murder?

All was revealed as they began to barter.

And what the price of one arboris,

apart, of course, from its biosis?

Thirty pieces was final toll

to him, the brand new owner of my soul.


With nothing more than mute egress,

my time with kindred deliquesced.

Aye, from my brethren I was split,

And carried then to odorous pit,

shakingly upon their shoulders,

just as the cousin growing colder.

Placed upright by mantelshelf,

in mockery of my rooted self,

now I their furrow did survey

in all its grim and dark decay.

Of all their squalor and unfitness,

was I to be the judge and witness.


And back they looked with eyes agleam,

dashing hopes to dwell unseen.

To me they brought their tawdry garnish,

and I did they begin to furnish,

and when at last they came away,

I stood replete in gaudy lingerie.

And though clothed like courtesan,

my torment only now began,

for now they gulped and gorged and pranced,

frolicked in a state of trance.

I, in the midst of wilding pack,

had turned to aphrodisiac.


Time’s suffrance is ineluctable

yet passage indestructible.

It crept as surely as decay,

until I found I had outstayed

my welcome in that wretched dwelling,

and now my final fate was swelling

in Man's dark heart as they denuded

me of frilly garment, excluded

then from frosty home to street,

my transformation near complete.

Whence had I been sequined guest,

now was forsaken, dispossessed.


And here I am, and here remain,

my human value all but drained.

I lie here butchered in the lane

with others of my green domain.

Who knows what fate may have in store?

And yet I sense there's little more.

My shadow's long; my noose at morning.

There's only time to share this warning.

Should you consort with humankind,

see us, and do not enter blind.

For Man's had many staunch allies

and led each one to her demise.

28/07/2024

How to Escape from a Pit

This short story was written in July 2020 and published on a blog which is now defunct. As I am working on a piece which is not yet ready to be shown, I hope this 'best of Kester' publication will adequately fill the gap.

The bear, with her great black trunk of a body, and long sober nose, was the bull; and the bull, gazing at a buzzing fly a foot in front of its face, with the almost gleaming ring through its nose, was the boar; and the boar, with its listless expression and its small eyes, suddenly, amidst a great flourishing of fur was the lion; and the lion, naturally enough, with its broad blonde nose and tufted beard, who looked from side to side so often, he appeared to be in a constant act of contradiction, was the bear. 

Each one of them was every one of the others. All of them were each other, and all of them were facing one other in a pit, some three metres in depth and about five in diameter. This was the worst part; standing here, sizing up the competition, noses taking in the old, leathery smell of blood; the close, dense odour of sweat; the knowledge that hundreds of demises had been met right here, in this way. Yet, the whistle hadn't blown. The men with their angular yellow teeth, small pallid eyes, and tufts of bushy hair hadn't finished exchanging money, so the animals continued to glare at one another. 

"Alright fellas, one legendary warrior walks out of here with the money. That's what they said. One," said Lion, "It's gonna be me." 

"Yeah, yeah. You is telling a well funny one. Except you ain’t no legend, pussycat," said Bull, "I's going to jacket my horns in a shining gold so they all knows I's not the one that lets the wisecrack go without a good smack of the hoof." 

"Oh, sweetie. Do you really think you're the one that walks out of here alive?" said Boar, "Haven't you seen the odds?" 

Bull goggled at her. 

"You're on thirty-three to one, my friend," said Bear, spotting a chink in her opponent's ego. 

"What! They do putted me down like a also-runs!" snorted Bull, eyes bulging beneath his cracked and broken horns. 

Bull had had a long career, which had taken him across the towns and cities of this great country, tied up in a cart but, in his imagination, he was Minotaur, escaped from his labyrinth, marching from coliseum to stadium, mashing one opponent to a pulp after another. Occasionally, he awoke covered in sweat with silhouettes thrashing in his mind; humans and spears; cages and fury and panic. In one of these antagonistic figments, the flames which blazed at all hours in his eyes were doused by the cool shadow of a tiger; sadness pouring from its eyes as it put its weary paw on his neck. 

Somehow, the cowardly fire of his gaze had fled inwards, got trapped in his chest, and was now screaming to be let out again. Fortunately, all he had to do was shake his head from side to side and the thoughts went away. Thirty-three to one; that was a lie. He was the best. He always would be. Minotaur was invincible! Nevertheless, he decided not to speak of his immortality, lest the chill tiger return for him. 

Lion looked at Bull with pity. His brain was so rattled, he couldn't even think of a comeback for that cheap trick. The truth was none of them had seen the odds, and the shrill voices of the humans were hard to understand. Lion ground the stones beneath his feet, impatiently. He was the youngest here and had only begun to build his reputation. Of course, he could have done so much more by now if humans hadn't dragged their feet and bungled his fights; made him fight old, weak opponents, elderly, with greying muzzles, who leant heavily on one or two legs when they walked. It had been cubs' play to flip them over and scoop out their viscera, easy wins, but those fights barely turned anyone's heads. How was he supposed to get known as the ultimate pit fighter when they put him up against geriatrics? Probably eight or nine years old, some of them.

This fight, on the other hand; this was real. If he could open up the throats of these three legends to the heavy, sweaty air of the pit, his name would go down on chalk boards and slates from the mountains to the harbour where his new life had begun, as a mercenary and the piercing light of terror in the hearts of those who descended to the pit. One way, the easiest way, for a young professional to make it was to take down former champions as they slowed down and their unchecked wounds caught up with them. This tipped cow was certainly in that category but what about the others? He studied the bear. Eyes half closed, and jaws clamped shut, she was hard to read, but her body language signalled a danger that was palpable.

In fact, Bear had dozed off to sleep, not having slept with her eyes fully closed since the time she'd awoken with an iron ring around her neck, and never felt the winds of her alpine home again. She yawned and registered that she was hungry. As a veteran four-way pit fighter, she viewed the forthcoming fight as a fairly well-scripted event. In most cases, the animals would pair off. Only a fool would take on more than one seasoned brawler at once. So, she would take the weakest opponent (clearly the bull) but draw it out, let the stronger two fighters wear each other down and, at an appropriate moment, go in and clear up the wreckage. If she couldn't isolate the bull, she'd take the lion, who was young and strong, but nervous, overkeen, bound to make a mistake. She'd put money on it if she had any. 

Funny that; after a lifetime helping the soft hairless race exchange their shiny metal fragments, she'd never owned anything more than her own mind and the meal in front of her. Just what would she do with a couple of sacks of human gold? Just what would she do? Images of a few thousand green acres to call her own drifted through her mind softly, accompanied by the growled words of bears whose faces towered over her, whose names had been torn and scattered across the thousand nameless places she had been; the thousand nameless places she had been... 

Boar glanced sideways at the slumbering bear, and then at the fidgeting lion and the tortured-looking bull. Then, he craned his neck up and out of the pit. The humans were still screeching at one another. Once, Boar had relished the song of battle. His tusks had lacerated and punctured; his fangs had wrenched and torn; his fur, naturally the colour of a gloomy day, had been stained a rich red. He had been a champion. He imagined the tower of skulls and bones he would have accumulated had even those meagre spoils been granted him. He imagined it teetering, it's dozens of jaws chattering in a high wind, threatening to precipitate a hard, beige-coloured rain. However, it would be a temple vacated by its high priest, for Boar no longer cared for fights. He fought for one reason alone; no-one had yet struck the killing blow against him. He had seen better fighters than he sent on their grueling journey to the next world; he had dispatched some of them, personally. There was no pattern to it. Victory was already determined by the dust before you placed your hoof upon it, or it wasn't. 

Recently, Boar had another concern. He was sick; dying, he suspected. Blood is meant to stay on the inside, not trickle from your mouth while you sleep. He probably didn't have long, and the thought of dying in a stinking, fetid pit; a mass grave like this, stimulated that palpable hatred that manifested as an oily translucent body, thrashing around inside him. It was this hatred which was killing him. Only fair, he thought, that the same hatred should set him free. He would need to approach his task cautiously, though. Pit fighters could be deeply contrary, brittle-egoed beings; too proud to accept even what was good for them if it was tossed at their hooves with contempt. On the other hand, every animal, no matter how many years they'd been clashing horns for the pleasure of so-called humanity, had a little soft flesh somewhere; a memory or a fantasy or a fear that could be used to push them one way or the other. 

Where to start? The dizzy-eyed bull, the sweating self-doubting lion, or the seen-it-all-before bear? Not, the boar reflected, the bull. Even if he could convince the old bovine one hundred percent to rebel, it would not get his miniature movement started with sufficient percussion; that is, if the others respected the grass-chewing crackpot as much as he did. On the other hand, the bear seemed the very manifestation of worldliness; more than the others, he sensed the bear's ego was built small and hard, in the small space permitted it by the world of human men. Convincing her would be one heck of a mountain to climb, and Boar's minutes were few. He set his sights on the lion. 

"Lion, oh Lion. I've seen a good many of your fights. You're an excellent fighter,” said Boar, his voice crackling over the ‘x’. 

"Mate. You ain't seen nothin', yet." 

"One day, just imagine; you could be just like us; legends of the pit." 

"Listen, bacon. The sky’s limit. I could be far greater than you lot, like Rhino, or Tiger." 

Bull glanced, eyes bulging, as Lion uttered the name of the big cat, then his gaze darted away. 

"My goodness; you’re right. They are incredible contenders. I’m sure you can aspire to their great heights." 

"Rhino would tear a hole in you a mile wide. Tiger would roll on you and squeeze out your last breath." 

Bull made the face of someone swallowing something bitter. 

"I've seen them do it. They are gods in the pit. There's just one thing, though." "What's that?" "They are only gods in the pit. Out of the pit; different story." 

"What d'you mean?" 

"Oh, have you never thought about it? If they're so great, worth so much, why do they feed them on chicken bones?" 

"Chicken bones!?" roared the lion. 

"That's right, dear. Right at the very top of the pile, after staring death in its salivating jaws and surviving, you can swagger proudly back to your cell and enjoy," Boar paused before uttering the punchline, "a big heap of human garbage, straight from the sack." 

"They're feeding the megastars of the pit on trash!? On moldering bloody bones!? They should be walking back to a fresh goat, still baaing and licking its paws!" 

"I agree with you, friend, but that's humans for you. It sure gets your blood up, don't it?" 

"It boils it. It really boils it." 

I did it, thought Boar. I've opened this cat's eyes, got him dreaming of insurgency. Just then, he felt the bear's eyes on him like flashlights, no longer half-closed. 

"Boys, boys, boys; exactly what do you mean by all this? What is hating the humans going to do for us? These are the guys who've fed me and you since we were cubs and piglets. Where's your gratitude?" Bear expectorated the last word into the pit. 

Lion looked between them. Even Bull seemed to be aware of the contretemps. Boar's strong pose, right hooves forwards as though midstride, chin up, eyes blazing, seemed to sag beneath the weight of Bear's rhetoric. Boar found himself falling back half a step, as though the pit had somehow tilted in his direction. He consulted the bone ridden dust of the floor, and sneered. 

"Don't you see, dear Bear? We're stronger than them! If we could get out of this latrine, there's not one of them could stand and face us. All we need is some of that shiny clink and we could go our separate ways, choose whatever future we want!" 

Bear rolled her head to one side as she considered, the yellow tips of her fangs emerging to rest in the soft flesh of her lips, which were squashed together, creating the distinct impression of displeasure. 

"Oh, well done. So all we need to do is hop out of this three metre hole in the ground, deflect the bullets of their stinking little pistols with our bare knuckles, conjure their money box out of its hiding place, split it four ways and walk calmly away, with the pleasant blaze of human fury to warm our tails. Why, in the name of Shiva, didn't I think of that?" 

During this tirade, something turned over painfully in Boar. Its hard and shining face now looked downward and its dull, tender obverse side faced upward, reflecting hardly any light. He couldn't return the bear's white hot glare. If he could've crawled away, he would've, but the pit didn't even possess any corners for him to plant the tiny seeds of hope in the vast manure of his dejection. 

"No answer, my son? Well, let me hazard a guess. Maybe, it's because this is it. Nobody gets off the slave ship. Once they catch you, you have two options; die sooner or die later. In all this time in the pit, you've been tricking yourself into thinking that not being dead yet means you're special. That you don't owe anybody anything. Well,” she said, aiming a small humourless smile at Boar and hitting her mark dead on, “You're not special. You're alive by the grace of those malodorous, squealing monkeys. You're alive because you please them. You're alive because your gods gave you strong bones and fast wits. So. Let me ask you again; where is your goddamn gratitude?" 

As the bear continued to hammer him in his defeat, Boar decided he would die here. He would die tonight. Let the last gong sound for the lucky pig. 

"Where be us gratitude? Where be they gratitude?" It took everyone a moment to realise the rasping, broken voice was issuing from the bull. "We is legends; we is gold. We is dragons, making death every night, when they asks us to. And that's just it, if we is the fire-breathing legends, how comes we lives in stinkin' 'oles, or bangin' us heads in a broken wagon what's like ridin' a earthquake in the desert? And if, stay with me, we's worth no more than a greasy stain to sleeps on, how comes we do be screaming terrors of rage immortal? It don't," he gulped, "it don't add up. And even if gratitude do be the shiny token what puts the scale level, does you sees it? Cos I's got bestest vision in this eye,” Bull jerked a hoof toward his left eye, "And I ain’t flippin' seein’ none."

A moment passed in appreciation of the longest speech any of them had heard the bull produce. In this moment, they were four living beings experiencing the world in almost identical ways. The bear was in a hole in the ground with three other fighters. The boar was sizing up the odds for the decision that was growing ever closer. The bull was preparing himself for a literal fight or flight response. The lion was assessing his chances of survival in and out of the pit. They were all the same, and they were all each other. Perhaps the future would spin, laughing, as four silhouettes diminished against each of the four horizons, or perhaps it gazed down upon four animal bodies slumped in a pile, limp, that quality of equilibrium gone from them, while the human who had most thought the unthinkable profited handsomely from their mad choice, and all of the blood and anger was lost in the tightness of his smile.

"Well, I see," growled the bear, "that I'm in a minority of one. Well, I think you've all gone mad with desperation, but one thing I don't do is fight a guy that doesn't want to fight. If the three of you are serious, and I mean seriously planning to do a runner, you have picked, amongst all the times for such a lark, the worst.” 

The other three paused, waiting for something to fall. 

"But I’m in."

As each of them observed the need for one of the others to put forward the foolproof plan, to produce the rallying cry, they settled into a fragile quietude in which the best plan was that dust kicked up must settle, and the finest speech was the mobile whine of a mosquito. The silence extended and strengthened and interposed the eyes of one serial killer and another and slid down throats and wrapped up tongues. It grabbed hold of hearts, and deflated lungs, and although it meant to breed in their chests an even greater silence that would last forever, it found it had bound them together at the very centre of the pit, and unwittingly made them turn back-to-back-to-back-to-back, looking outwards. 

Fighters aren’t meant to look that way because when they do, the whole world changes. The battle mongers are no longer looking up at the fighters looking in at the very heart of battle: the fighters are looking down past the soft flesh of the spectators to the great cold prize outside; a night air so bitterly cold it hardens on the fur, and some hours beyond that night lie a multi-faceted dawn; a fish caught from a lake, a lizard teased from between two rocks, a goat chased into a wood. In any case; freedom. 

"What did happens?" asked Bull. As the fighters look around them, they see what has changed. The pit has become a mountain peak. The onlookers are clinging onto the icy trail by their fingernails and the world beneath them is a secret kept by mist. 

"It appears," the bear’s voice rumbled between them, "that the odds have tilted in our favour."

"Tonight," said Lion, "we fight to rip freedom from their cold, dead fingers." 

"While all they can do," continued boar, "is to clutch on to what they’ve taken; their money, their power."

"Well, I suggests we do gets a-movin’ before them notice what about to go thump on them ‘eads."

"Fighters," said bear, "Ready…" 

And the last word was spoken by them all and amplified by the thousand tongues of the wind.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrise!"

The bear and the boar and the bull and the lion sprang roaring, shrieking, sliding through the snow, claws raised and teeth exposed to the raw winds. The humans turned and there, on the ice-capped mountain, they froze.

21/07/2024

The Thrill of the Case – Part Seven

Read Part Six of The Thrill of the Case, or go back to Part One.

"Based on the foregoing, your honour, I believe I have successfully proved that I, that is to say, Everarck Fanger, am not guilty of intellectual vanity."

And then because he'd always wanted to say it in a court.

"I rest my case."

And then he sat down, feeling immensely pleased with himself. This was the case that he'd painstakingly prepared with Gerellia, who'd turned out to be a vigorous advocate of his right to prove himself innocent of the ugly sin. He'd enjoyed working with her over the ten days or so of preparation, grown warm towards her, and privately in the comfort of his own mind, he was prepared to admit he'd even bonded with her more than a man in a long-term relationship ought to have.

He'd begun - and this had been his own idea - with a dictionary definition.

"Intellectual vanity can be defined - according to Cox and Moodie - as an excessive pride in one's own intellect or knowledge, often leading to a sense of superiority over others. Those who commit the sin of intellectual vanity often feel their own intellectual achievements or opinions are superior to those of others."

Gerellia had agreed that that provided a tidy opening to the subject. All he had to do now was go through the definition, bit by bit, and explain how no part of it described him, or his evident attitudes to others. She had even reminded him, "It doesn't matter if a defendant is actually guilty of a crime. It only matters if the defendant's conduct evinces criminal behaviour."

He had squirmed as she'd used words like 'crime' and 'criminal'. The other words: 'argument', 'demonstration', 'trial', 'judgement', with these he was comfortable, but 'punishment', 'prisoner' and 'sentence' made him shudder. Gerellia realised, watching him, that he saw the process as a high-minded exploration of whether certain qualities manifested in his behaviour. He had not, however, really grasped that he was in a literal court, which he had paid upwards of three thousand pounds to prosecute him and to which he had granted the power of finding him guilty of this form of behaviour, a social ugliness, which he himself had declared to be undesirable.

Intellectual vanity was not a crime, and the court had no power to imprison, but it was at the very least the architect of a public event whose proceedings had the power to stain a person's reputation, to humiliate them even as they attempted to wriggle free from the shadows in their own mind. Gerellia was not a lawyer. Everarck had simply assumed that. In fact, Gerellia was a psychologist, and what she saw in Everarck fascinated her. Never before had a person so obviously guilty of a social ill provided themselves to a process with such a powerful means of measuring it in them. That Everarck's motivation was to prove himself free of such vanity only plated the event with, to her, a profoundly satisfying irony.

She'd watched as Everarck had described his parents, his childhood, his dreams as a young person, his education and intellectual dreams. It had been a beautiful start to a strong argument. However, as the ten days progressed, shadows had swept over the self-examination, his gleaming autobiography. He had described his dreams of becoming a doctor which had seemed to wither even as he had pushed himself towards them. His daydreams of receiving that scroll of achievement had acquired, on one hand, the glow of utopian fantasy. On the other, parallel visions had showed the process as yellow and tawdry: the giving of a meaningless piece of paper in a dirty city hall surrounded by clowns in ridiculous gowns. Becoming tormented latterly that he would not be accepted by any university he'd want to join, he had pulled back from his exam preparation, and the results had been consequently mediocre.

"It was them!" he'd told Gerellia in strict confidence, "They were the intellectually vain!"

It was the gatekeepers of academic achievement who had been guilty of the sin. Gerellia had nodded encouragingly. From her own studies and the literature, she knew that accusing others of a sin is a behaviour repeated often amongst those most culpable of it. Then, taking pity, she had explained the phenomenon of projection to him, and got up and walked out of the room to allow him some time to himself. Clouds had occluded the sun that Tuesday afternoon, and the previously cheerful plant in the corner of the room had grown sullen.

He was guilty, he realised at last: guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, and all that remained for him was to become a new man from this moment onward, to stand up in court and show that the events of the past no longer stuck to him. The best way to do that, the plant explained to him, was to plead guilty. Cleanse yourself, accept punishment, move forward, enjoy honesty.

"You smug bastard of a plant," he hissed, raising a pair of office scissors at it and stabbing the air, "I'll get out of this shit on my own if you won't help me!"

And then he had constructed his tale of Everarck the Innocent, knowing full well that it was a work of fiction, promising himself that he would not let himself off the hook in the court of his mind, if only he could evade the public humiliation now facing him.

18/07/2024

Art and the Hero

Of the news about Neil Gaiman, I must say that I am heartbroken.

For those who do not know, I must report that he has at best been accused of coercing young women in his employment to have sex with him, while, at worst, he is accused of rape. His disappearance from social media two weeks ago seems to verify the seriousness of the claims.
First, I feel deeply sorry for the hurt done to those young women, that I admire their their bravery in speaking out and hope this can be part of their moving forward. I also feel sorry for the more general damage done to the relationships between men and women, and between the powerful and the vulnerable.
Secondly, I will say that there are two philosophical positions on the matter: those who believe that the artist and their art are separate, and those who believe that they form together a whole. I believe both positions are valid, but I must necessarily take the latter for I find that my knowledge of the artist informs the art and makes it greater, and the separation of the two would be to the injury of my appreciation.
My own story relating to Neil Gaiman dates back to the 90s when I read Good Omens and continued in 2002 when I was 21 and got my first steady job. I used to take my £150 weekly pay cheque to Forbidden Planet on Buchanan Street in Glasgow and purchase one Sandman collection for £15. I was paying a tithe to DC Comics at that time, and it was worth it. My appreciation for Gaiman has been long, and my respect for him has been deep, even as I envied his success, freedom and influence.
I thought that in him I had found one successful living writer whose work I loved who lived up to the high ideals of his own art. Now I have lost this, and I am bereft.
Fortunately, I am not alone for the art still whispers its messages to me, and if I listen very carefully, I can still hear. But what now that I lack a worthy human model for my progress?
I must resist the temptation to let my envy turn to pleasure in how he has fallen. I must resist the temptation to turn inwards and, in a childish sense of hurt, declare that I will follow no more heroes.
And of the future, I hope that, should the world ever turn its eye on me and create such a large version of me that a smaller me can be hidden in its shadow and become wicked there, that I would have the wisdom to resist corruption. For, if not, then the best thing that can possibly happen to me is that I continue to labour honestly without the glare of the world upon me for the rest of my days.

17/07/2024

Three Additional Writing Prompts for Uneasy Fiction

At last, three more writing prompts for those weird, unsettling stories you've been dying to tell.

1. With but one score to settle in all your long years, you pass away. Stars swirl. You are reincarnated as a creature with two heads. The other head is occupied by the person you detested in your last life. Your thoughts and identity are mingled with theirs. What happens? How does it feel to be one with and inseparable from this awful person? How does the situation resolve itself?

2. Awakening from a revolting dream, you leap out of your bed unable to believe what you felt. You look at the bed. It seems normal. You touch it. It feels like writhing maggots. With disgust, you tear off your pyjamas. They feel the same. All touch has infected with this horrible effect. What do you do? How do you live?

3. Entering a covered market complete with fruit stalls, children's cheap clothing and a whole slaughtered pig bearing an expression of hideous anguish, you hear a voice, "Hey, you've been before. Don't you remember? It was horrible! You shouldn't be here! Get away! Run!" You stare at the pig's twisted face in silent horror and then turn and bolt, but the voice doesn't stop whispering. Finally, you summon the courage to speak back. What do you say?

I hope those disturbing thoughts help you on your way! By all means comment or e-mail me with the result! You can see my other writing prompts for uneasy fiction by clicking here.

14/07/2024

The Naming of Forgotten Colours

Turleen is the colour of a cooking pot illuminated by the light of another room.

Versotage is the colour you remember rock moss to be.

Hubrian is the colour of something that could equally be a shadow or a patch of moisture.

Bisper is the colour of the sky after shutting your eyes for a long time and then opening them.

Nuve is the colour of the page ends of an old paperback.

Tidderish is the colour of grass in morning sunlight when butterflies are near.

Gish is the rich, living green at the heart of an old onion.

Potlion is the not-quite-black colour of clock hands on a stopped clock.

Spube is the colour of the food stain that won't come out of an old shirt.

Fegette is the colour of the darkness between bright illuminations or many fireflies.

Batcherfan is the colour of concrete steps near the sea at four o'clock in the afternoon.

Glubon is the colour of a football field after torrential rain.

Spaffle is the colour of the feathers of the bird on the window ledge, neither grey nor brown.

12/07/2024

Get Rich or Die Trying!

Do you see him? The bloke in the cap and overalls. No, not him. Actually, that's a woman. But don't worry. Easy mistake to make. We all look the same down 'ere. No, the one with the empty wheelbarrow, lining up to go down the tunnel. Yeah, him. Bearded, red eyed. Yep. That's how it is. He's waiting for all this lot to come out. String of, what, eight, nine folks coming out with their barrows full of that grey-brown awful-smelling sludge. That one whose sludge is a quivering heap all the way up to his neck. That, ladies and gents, is today's gold star winner. He's gonna get one of the high-up boxes. He'll have to climb up there, mind, at the end of this bloody long shift that lasts every day from infancy till death.

Anyway, there I go. Tunnel's clear now. It's even darker in there than the rest of this place, but at least there's no buttons. You see, all those grey slabs that make up the walls. Sorta four metre square, regular as regiments, all the way up. You look up and your eye can follow the dark in-between lines all the way to heaven. In fact, they actually seem to converge at some point somewhere south of heaven, but you see how high up it goes. Or - more accurately - that's how far down we are. It could even have been a huge pyramid that we're in except that then no light would get down here and some does bounce all the way down here. Get stuck it does. The light goes into your brain and sticks there, becomes part of you, never gets out. Nothin' ever gets out of here, mass or wave form.

I'm out the tunnel now, see how I'm looking at the slabs. Each one's a button. Look carefully and you'll see that pale pattern on it is not just weatherin', it's a symbol. Press the right symbols in the right order, bingo, sludge time. Fill your barrow. Earn a few more points. Me, I always go with wavy lines, hash symbol, triangle, circle, inequality sign, plus, plus, upside-down exclamation mark. Found a few variations that worked, and a few that occasionally pumped out more sludge than I usually get, but this is the one that worked for me most consistently. There I am pushing in the huge square faces of the blocks, more 'n double my height. Some of them are really tight, hard to press in. You feel like you're actually liftin' the whole thing and forcin' it back. Don't tell me we're not strong, despite the revolting stuff they call food here.

Right, but once you've got it pushed in, as I have there, I don't know if they meant it like this, but then you can just about get your fingers and toes in the gap and climb up. How? You learn by falling. You learn by failing. That's the only way. Fall from a low height's my advice. Break a leg on your first day. You won't make it. Dunno what happens to them. They just lie on the dirty sludgy concrete floor screaming and then whimpering for the rest of the day. In the morning - gone. Must come in the night and drag 'em off, I suppose. F'r all I know, they use these same barrows to do it. Imagine. The same broken-wheeled thing I drag around, day after day, could be the same damn thing that drags me off when I'm all finished and done. Who knows what creatures does it either? Dunno if it's creepier to think there's some white-faced night creature to sweep up the human debris, or if it's folk like us what does it.

I'm the first in this section. Others are going past me down other tunnels to other spaces. I'm always glad when I don't have to go down there though. The piles of skulls and bones really get to you. Especially if you know who some of them were. Memento mori's one thing, but seeing yourself in that heap of bones offers no insight nor hope. So I have the space to myself except for those who's climbing up over my head to get at buttons they want on the third or fourth level. Climb like monkeys, they do. Having said so, the shoes they give us is just like a leather bag. Like ballet slippers. Wearin' boots'd be no good. How you supposed to climb in steel toe caps? Anyways, eventually I get all my buttons pressed in, and I feel the tremor before I hear it. "Pipe!" I shout to claim it and pretty much expertly get my barrow turned around probably less than a second before the flap opens on one of the terracotta pipes that stick out the wall, and glorious filthy muck fills my wheelbarrow up, piles right up, wobbling in that obscene way that it does. Nice! You can see that's a nice barrow! You can even see a grim look of satisfaction on my face if you look through all the shadow and hair.

Then I wheelie the thing around careful of folks in a rush coming the other way. We’ve all done it. You ready your barrow full of stinking muck thinking this could be the very one that opens a nice high hatch for you, and some wild barrower comes the other way not seeing anything and clang, there’s two barrows all over the floor and your muck is glugging and bubbling away down one of the little barred drains. Scoop it up with your hands. The one that knocked into you might even help if they don’t pull up their barrow and run off in shame and fear, but by the time you’ve scraped up as much as will stay in your hands, all the pleasure, all the satisfaction has gone, and you’re empty, and your barrow might as well be. However, this is not what the next moments have for me to live, and I’m able to get my barrow back through the tunnel to the tipping place, that great dark mouth in the corner guzzling up yards and yards of slime, just as we guzzle up whatever pathetic trickle it is that life has for us. And then I turn around, and I go back.

Course, I’m looking up to see if one of the huge buttons has come unlatched from the wall. Look at him. I mean me, of course. It’s just that, while I’m outside of myself, looking back, I see another man, so it’s him, even though it’s me. Anyway, you can see from my posture that I’ve been at this a long screed of time, more than eight hours, maybe nine. And I do this every day. I’ve been doing it every day for, well, I’ve counted eight full moons, put it that way. When the door comes unlatched, you scramble up the wall, like I said, toes and fingertips clamped into the tiny grooves between the buttons. None of these cracks would ever hold your full weight, so you have to keep moving. Each one is a pivot, and you can only use the toeholds and fingerholds by moving your weight around them and past them. It’s a real upward scuttle, and after nine, sometimes ten hours of barrowing, it’s a true wonder that any human body can do such a thing, but the final reward, a bed and a meal in a dark, quiet room and time enough to sleep; these are everything after a long shift.

Nothing yet, though, so I’ve to go on barrowing. I’d joke that it could drive you mad, but let me tell you a story about a fellow barrower, no name of course, but he bore the code of X-967-T on his overall, and I suppose that he had the same characters in tattoo because I do, and god knows there’s nothing to separate me from anyone else in this pit other than how much suffering I can take before I go the same way as that poor bastard. Well, X-967-T came to me, one day, early enough in my shift, and I think the beginning of his. His eyes were gold with excitement, and he was saying “This is it. I’m going to get rich. I had a dream. I had a dream. I know the code. Come and watch.” I said to him, “967, don’t do it. I know what you’ve dreamed, and I know what’s up there. Don’t go up there. Don’t go.” But he was already too far gone. Riches and success had filled the vacuum where his ruined soul used to be, so I put down my barrow and watched him scale the wall, hugging himself tight to it, and forcing in this button and that on his way up the wall, zig-zagging upwards between them. I saw his code started square, padlock, wheel, duck’s foot, at symbol, but I lost track after that due to the foreshortening of the higher buttons and weakness of memory. He was just going up and up, yelling, “I’m going to be rich. You can be rich too, 512. Just do what I do! Watch this! I’m going to have a big car and a mansion.” When he was high enough up to look small up there, one of the buttons came unlatched, way up high where I’ve never seen anyone get a bed, so he yanked on it and pulled, and the door came swinging out with him on it. He clambers over the top of it, and looks in. “Oh, my god,” he says, “This is it. I’m rich!” Well, just as has happened before, it wasn’t a pile of money that tipped out, but a lot of white skinny legs with a great big mask of a face amidst it all, a huge skull-like face, and it grabs him and stuffs him into its mouth, and he screams, “I’m doing it! I’m doing it! I’m getting rich! Aaaarrghgh! I’m going to get a trophy wife! Aaaeeeeeeeee! And a private jet! Aaaaagghghh!” And that’s it. He can’t say anymore. The thing has eaten his head. Bits of 967 fall down and land on top of some of the other barrowers, hair and skin and blood, and they just brush it off and keep barrowing, and then someone says, “Happens at least once a moon, that does, stupid bastard,” and I’m not even sure if it’s me who spoke or someone else.

06/07/2024

The Thrill of the Case – Part Six

Read part one, part two, part three, part four or part five of The Thrill of the Case.

Everarck walked through cold, deserted town streets at 8.30 am on a Saturday morning with the signed contract in the brown A4 envelope clutched in one hand. The shiny paper had already slipped out of his hand as he'd negotiated his garden gate and landed on a dried-up dog leaving, but he thought he'd got any marks off the paper and the point of contact didn't seem to smell too bad.

The court was located in the town's commercial centre, and Everarck found it uncomfortable to be in a place he'd gone in times of leisure on hot summer afternoons but which was now grey and quiet on this day of tense purpose. As he approached the place where he expected to find the court, he saw its clean white pebble-dashed exterior with a brand new sign on smoked glass. 

Reaching the court from an oblique angle, the glass appeared dark, and he wondered with elation if it might be unexpectedly closed, meaning he could return home and drink tea or go and browse the bookshelves of one of the town's charity shops. As he got close enough to see inside, he found - alas - that it was lit inside and furnished with a light wooden reception desk, a carpet in institutional green and a ticking analogue clock with a simple painting of an English village green between its numbers. There was the impression of movement within, but mercifully whoever was in there could not see him as he read and re-read the opening hours to verify that he could indeed push open the door without being reproached.

He stood there waiting for his hand to push open one of the double metal doors and was appalled to find that he would have to put it there himself. Nevertheless, he did so. The door opened about two inches and jammed on the untrodden carpet. He gave it a further shove, and it swung open and banged against a low table inside. He walked in with stooping posture only to be met by the startled looks of two women in suits: one behind the reception desk and one apparently in conversation with the receptionist on the way back to her office.

"Good morning," said the receptionist, a kind-seeming upper-middle-aged woman.

"My name's -- good morning -- my name's Fanger."

"Hello, Fanger. What might your surname be?"

"Fa-fanger. Fanger's my surname," he stuttered.

"Mr Fanger Fanger?"

"No-no, no. Everarck Fanger. My first name's Fang- I mean Eh-everarck, and m-my la-last name's F-fanger."

"Okay, let me check the diary."

There was a moment as pages were turned in which Everarck could fully fantasise about his name not being found and his being able to leave and go outside and walk along the kerbstones without putting his feet on the cracks. The woman coughed and, in his daydream, his foot slipped into the gutter.

"I have an appointment at 8.45 am for you, Mr Fanger."

"With Ms Noghan?" he enquired, but his hope of even this small element of familiarity was dashed when she shook her head.

"I'm sorry. Gerellia is indisposed this morning. No, I beg your pardon. She's not indisposed, but she isn't working today. I'll just call through and see if Gollion can begin working with you this morning. I'll just dial her extension."

"Gollion, sorry, it's Mr Fanger. Would you be able to take him this morning?"

Everarck started to notice the slight flushing in the woman's jowls, the sinister paleness of the wallpaper, the incessant chopping up of time as the clock ticked ever more harshly. Gollion had to be apologised to and begged to work with him this morning. He squirmed in his cheap office clothes. The door with its circular window on the far side of the reception room opened stiffly, and the woman he'd seen earlier appeared.

"Mr Fanger," she said striding towards him with her right hand held out.

Everarck suddenly worried about seeming rude by turning away from the receptionist, with whom he had not finished talking, and ended up taking the woman's hand across his body and shaking it quite awkwardly.

"Why don't you come through to my office? You can pay on the way out."

Her voice was smooth but the way she stared at him made him think he'd committed a faux pas. She went to the door, violently pushing it open and standing there. Everarck looked at her. She looked at him. He looked at her chest, then panicked and wrenched his eyes back to her face.

"The door's a bit stiff. Why don't you go past me, and I'll follow you down the corridor?" 

Everarck did not want to be followed down a corridor, but he did as he was asked. As he went forward, he was aware of some kind of mouthed communication between Gollion and the receptionist, which he didn't want to think about. Nevertheless, the thought came to him that they were probably agreeing that he was a pervert and clarifying emergency procedures should he do anything disgusting.

He attempted to walk down the corridor whilst also somehow keeping Gollion in his peripheral vision. There were two doors on the right and one at the end of the corridor, all identical. He stopped and looked at the little red box with 'Emergency Break Glass' printed on its tiny window. The escape button looked back at him from behind the thin pane of glass.

"That's just the fire alarm button," said Gollion, suddenly behind him, "We're ISO 9000 compliant. That's the only reason that's there."

He was buffeted forwards by her unexpected closeness, and then she unlocked the door of a small room and ushered him in. He went in and sat on the swivelling office chair jammed behind a round table and put the brown envelope on the table, which Gollion ignored and retrieved a dossier from one of several box files in a bookcase.

He wiggled the chair from side to side in its tiny amount of free room, while she sat opposite him and skimmed through several stapled pages of handwritten notes, her lipstick framing a gritted pair of teeth. Then she skimmed the document again as if there were something missing, seemed to shrug and began to read from the beginning. He carefully pushed the table away from himself in order to create more room to wiggle the office chair. She glanced at him, adjusted her chair and the notes and went on reading.

Everarck looked at the potted plant. He tried to smile. He shivered. Gollion ignored him and went on reading.

Read part 7 of The Thrill of the Case.

A passage for possible inclusion in a future work to be entitled 'The Crack that Ran All the Way to the Sea'.

I looked into the sky and saw that, in its vastness and the severity of its moods, it could mirror a human soul. I stood there looking, but ...